A Year to the Day
by PiressVox
Summary: A year after the events of ROTS, ObiWan Kenobi reflects on his new life, and all he has lost. First fanfic ever, please be kind! I hope I got the rating right


**Disclaimer: **We play with the toys we are given. GL is the toymaker. I'm just the kid who gets to play with them.

**ObiAngst**. You have been warned.

I found myself listening to "My Immortal" after watching ROTS ages ago, and I saw how the story and the song go really well together. That was the inspiration behind this, and looking back on it, I'm wondering whether it was even a good idea to start.

This is my first fanfic ever- I've been writing for ages but this is the first piece I've ever worked up the courage to share with _anyone_- so please be kind to me. I'm proud of this story, if it can be called that, but also incredibly nervous about posting it. I let you know now, I'm only 13 doing Eighth Grade English, so please be nice to me!

I hope it's not too painful. Reviews are always appreciated.

_I'm so tired of being here…_

I hate this place, this planet I have gone into exile on. I never wanted to return, yet here I am again. Destined to live out the rest of my years on this Force-forsaken place, alone. I never thought I would end up like this, living as a hermit. There's nothing here. Nothing but rocks and sand. Endless sand. It's rough and gets everywhere. I hated sand as much as you did. In my dreams I'm back at home on Coruscant. The Temple in all its glory, the home of my Order. Before the Purge. Before the Empire. In my dreams, life is still the way it was. But I know nothing will ever be the same again. I can never return to Coruscant. I will never again see the beauty of Naboo. Never anything except this hostile desert planet. Here, where it all started, it is all to end for me. I hate this place…

_Suppressed by all my childish fears…_

Never have I been so afraid. I fear for the future of the galaxy. Freedom died that day, exactly one year ago, when the Empire was formed. Already, people are suffering under the evil rule of Palpatine, the self-proclaimed Emperor, your new master. You, the Sith Lords rule the galaxy. I never dreamed I would live to see times like this, and yet I have. And I fear for myself. I fear for the remaining Jedi. We live in constant danger. Everyday is a fight to survive. The Imperial armies never stopped hunting us. Now bounty hunters have joined them. You were one of our own. We trusted you with our lives, and you betrayed us. Now we are all but extinct. I fear for the survival of our Order. And I fear for your children. Your twins whose first birthday is celebrated today. If you knew they were alive, you would destroy them. Your own children. They are the only hope for the galaxy. I've never been so afraid…

_And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave…_

I am haunted by the memory of that day. The day that Anakin, the young man I had raised and trained from childhood, my best friend, turned against the republic, against the order- against me. The day I had been forced to battle you on Mustafar, knowing what you had become but not wanting to let go of the boy I loved. I watched as you burned, broken and crippled. Your screams still echo in my ears. I tell myself, everyday, that there was nothing I could have done. But I still blame myself. I was closer to you than any other Jedi. I should have known, should have seen it coming. Maybe I could have stopped this. I always felt like I was failing you, and I was right. In the end, I was too young to be a master to a boy too old to start apprenticeship, and that was the downfall of us both. Anakin, you're gone, but you still haunt me…

_Because your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone…_

You are everywhere here, Anakin. Your life started on Tatooine, and it's as if the planet remembers you. Tatooine remembers the incredible boy who once lived here, and it mourns his loss. It taunts me. I cannot be here without seeing Anakin. The very sand speaks of you, the blazing twin suns tell of your power in the Force. The murmur of the wind is your voice; the sky is the same blue as your eyes, so full of life and spirit. Even after all these years, I can feel you here, as strong as if you were right next to me. I met you here, years ago, when you were an innocent and curious little boy. You are that no longer. As you grew, so did your power, your arrogance. I thought you died that day, and in a way, you did. Anakin died when he pledged allegiance to the Sith and became Darth Vadar. You are more machine that man now. How people can change. I am alone here, yet Anakin is everywhere…

_These wounds won't seem to heal…_

I injured you gravely that day. Both legs, your remaining human arm- gone. I did nothing as fire consumed you, as you lay helpless, in agony. You lost that fight. But I still feel like you were the victor. You broke me that day Anakin. You destroyed me. My heart broke when I broke you. My sprit burned when I let you burn. But I did not have the courage to finish what I started, and because of that I can never have peace. I am an empty shell. I lived for you, Anakin. You were my brother. My son. Everything I ever did was for you, to give you the best life I could. I went to Mustafar praying I would be able to save you from yourself, hoping there was enough of my son left in you. I left that planet with nothing. Everything was taken from me in that moment. Since then I have ceased to truly live. I merely exist, going through each day as a broken man. The wounds I suffered that day haven't healed. They never will. I injured you that day, but you were the victor…

_This pain is just too real…_

This is all like a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I wake up every morning hoping it will all turn out to be just that- a bad dream. I dream that I will open my eyes and see you, smiling at me, the way you used to on those rare occasions when you managed to get up before me. I tell myself it's not happening. It's too horrible and too painful to be reality. But it is. This is my reality. I am in constant agony that refuses to leave me. Knowing I failed. Yet somehow, I know you feel the same way. I could not save you, Anakin, but maybe someone can. Maybe your children can. Knowing you suffer like I do gives me that hope. We both feel this pain, greater than any wounds lightsaber or blaster can inflict. This is a nightmare, and I cannot wake up…

_There's just too much that time cannot erase…_

Time moves on, yet the memories do not fade. A year later, I can remember it all as if it were yesterday. I will never be free of it. I remember every swing, every parry of the duel, the murderous dance we engaged in. I remember every word you said to me. I remember every look in your eyes, every emotion that crossed your face. I remember yelling at you, crying. I remember the last words I ever heard from you. You said you hated me. I tried to make myself hate you. I told myself there was nothing left of the boy I knew. But how could I forget everything we had been through together. The first handshake. The first time I braided your hair after taking you as my apprentice. The first time you saw rain, and the look of awe on your face as I explained it to you. Every smile. Every laugh. Every fight and reconciliation. Every lesson. Every tear. Every hug. Every journey. Every comforting word after terrible nightmares- yours or mine. I cannot forget those times. Those were the happiest times of my life, Anakin. I want to hate you as you hate me, but I cannot. Time moves on, but the memories remain…

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears…_

I was always there for you, Ani, because I wanted to be. I didn't want to let you down. When you hurt yourself at your lessons, I was always there as soon as I heard. I carried you to the healers and stayed with you while they fixed you up. Seeing you hurt terrified me. I always felt what you felt. I couldn't stand to see you in pain, Anakin. I couldn't stand to see you cry. I was always there to steal your pain away. So many times, I stupidly, unnecessarily put myself in danger to protect you. I would do anything if it meant you wouldn't have to suffer. I would have died for you, and I so nearly did so many times. I was always there for you Anakin. Just like you were there for me…

_When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears…_

Countless times I lay awake because of your nightmares. I could feel everything you felt, our Force bond was that strong. While your dreams were ravaged by unspoken fears, I was awake in my bed, sensing you suffer. I would run to your side every night. I couldn't just stay in my room and do nothing. I would hold your hand, put my palm on your forehead and take the nightmares away. Whether you knew it or not, I was always there. Sometimes I would hear you screaming and wait, knowing you would come to me. You would come to my room, and crawl up next to me, and I would hold you til sunrise came and the darkness was driven back. I was always the one who fought your monsters, who chased them away and helped you through hard times. I lay awake because of you, and I still do…

_And I held your hand through all of these years…_

I was so afraid of losing you I never let you go. I kept you close, I was always watching you. At the first sign of danger, I was always forcing you behind me. I never let you defend yourself. I often seemed angry with you but I was angry with myself for putting you in danger. I know you thought I was holding you back, and I was. But it was because I loved you so much I didn't want to let you go. I was so scared that if I let you out of my sight you'd never come back. "Anakin, be careful!". I said that too much, when I should have been encouraging you to use your skills, to be independent. I sheltered you, I was always over-protective. I clung to you as much out of my own selfishness as my concern for you. I didn't want to lose you to someone else. I was so afraid of losing you that even now, I cannot let you go…

_But you still have all of me…_

I dedicated my life to you. Everything I did was for you. I was so desperate to be as good a Master as Qui-Gon that I exhausted myself, drained myself of everything. My life revolved around raising you. I grew so attached to you that even when you were no longer my apprentice, I could not move on. I could not break our Force bond, I could not take another Padawan. We worked so well together. I knew I could never dedicate myself fully to another youngling, so I didn't. Instead, I was totally devoted to you. There was nothing more important in my life than you. I was always so proud of you. I never told you that enough. And now I will never get the chance to make up for all those things I should have said. My thoughts still centre around you, how I failed you. I dedicated my life to you, Anakin…

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light…_

You were so full of life. Your spirit could not be crushed. You were so strong in the Force. It gave you a spark that I had never seen in a youngling before. That spark fascinated me. You were always discovering new things about the galaxy, always eager to learn, always delighted by the simplest of things, like rain. Your smiles lit up my days, Ani. Your laughter was the sweetest music I ever heard. Back then, when you were young and curious, unjaded by the new city world you lived on. You were so different from me. I was cynical and sarcastic. You always seemed so happy and alive, just glad that a new day had dawned. You were a rarity among creatures, Anakin, and I felt so lucky that my life had been graced by your presence. You were so full of life…

_Now I'm bound by the life you left behind…_

If I could end it all, I would. I've considered it, more than once. I've thought it would just be easier to put the saber hilt to my chest and ignite it. I'm in so much misery. I hate myself. I hate and fear what I have become. The fact I am thinking such thoughts terrifies me. But I cannot end it. I swore, exactly one year ago, that I would watch over your children. I promised Padmé that I would take care of them. I cannot let my own selfishness get in the way again. I will not betray her. I will not betray them. I am here, watching Luke grow. Bail Organa sends me holopics of Leia and fills me in on every detail of her life. They are growing so fast, Anakin. Oh, you would be so proud of them. I wish you could see them. I wish you could watch your son as he plays in the sand dunes. He's running Owen and Beru off their feet. He's so much like you. I knew that he would never be content to stay on Tatooine. Just like you did, he already wishes for nothing more than to fly away from here and see the galaxy. And I wish you could see your daughter. She's being raised as a princess on Alderaan. The people already love her. She's so beautiful. She is so much like Padmé. They are Skywalkers, Anakin. They are so strong in the force, just like their parents. You would be so proud. If I could end it all, I would, but I can't…

_Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams…_

I am caught in this trance, half-asleep, half-awake. When I'm awake, I must face this painful day-to-day reality. When I'm asleep, I am faced with you. I see your face, hear your voice. I try to reach you, but you're too far away. You call out to me. I want to help you, but I can't. I fail you. Again. And every night, that replays, over and over in my mind. I cannot escape it. I cannot forget what has happened, I cannot change it. No matter how many times I see it in my dreams, I always come down to the fact that I should have known. I should have sensed something was wrong. And when I did, it was too late. I fear the day and I fear the night, I hate my reality and I hate my dreams. I cannot escape what I have become. I'm caught in this trance, half-asleep, half-awake…

_Your voice has chased away, all the sanity in me…._

You are driving me mad, Anakin. Like a splinter in my mind, digging deeper and deeper. I hear you in my head. Every conversation we ever had, burned into my memory, repeating over and over like a broken holojector. You are with me every moment. Everything I see or do reminds me of you. They only grow clearer with time, more vivid, more real. They consume me. You are with me, tormenting me. I fall to my knees and scream at you over our bond. I call your name, praying for you to answer me, praying that I will hear you for real. How many times did we speak over our connection, even when we were on different planets? Whenever I needed you, I could call your name and you would answer straight away. But now, there is no reply. There is only the echo of your voice. Maybe you still hear me. I don't know. You're driving me mad, Anakin…

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone…_

I have to accept every day that you are not here. You are not going to appear on the horizon and come sauntering forward, bragging about your latest feat, whether it is an amazing stunt you pulled off to demonstrate your piloting skills, or the number of enemies you brought down with your saber. I have to accept that you are gone. I lost you to Palpatine, to the Dark Side. I have to accept that I cannot save you. Do you know how hard that is, Anakin? Do you know how I still cling to hope that there is still good in you? Padmé believed in you, even when I gave up. Every day have to accept that you're not here…

_But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along…_

You are still here, yet you never were. It was always a struggle with you, Ani. I tried so hard to be patient. It took forever for you to trust me. You always put up walls and I always had to break them down. You shielded your mind from everyone, even me. I had to beg to be let in. Sometimes I felt like I didn't know you. There was so much you wouldn't tell me, so much you kept secret. Sometimes, it was like living with a stranger, raising a different child. I wanted to ask who you were and what you did with my Anakin. You are still here, yet you never were…

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears…_

I wanted you to come to me. I wanted you to ask me for help. I wanted you to trust me, to love me as I loved you. And when you finally accepted me, I was overjoyed. I lived to see you smile, Anakin. I sensed your pain, your confusion. Why didn't you come to me? I wanted you to, and yet you kept to yourself. I wanted to help you, but you wouldn't let me. I wanted you to…

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears…_

When you were hurting, I always knew. I felt it when you had the nightmares on Naboo. I sensed your agony and your rage when your mother died on Tatooine. I felt your guilt after you slaughtered the Tuskans. I knew how torn you were when the council ordered you not to rescue me from Geonosis. Even though I was injured by Dooku, your pain overshadowed it when you lost your arm. I was unconscious when you killed him three years later, but I could still feel your doubt. When you went to the temple with the clones and killed your colleagues, your friends, I knew something was wrong. I knew what I would find when I watched the security recordings, but I didn't want to believe it. I felt your pain on Mustafar, and I wanted desperately to comfort you, to tell you everything would be fine. You don't know how hard it was to walk away and leave you there. When you were hurting, I always knew…

_And I held your hand through all of these years…_

I loved you Anakin. From the moment I met you, I knew you were special. When Qui-Gon died, I promised him I would train you. He begged me with his dying breaths, and I promised. I never told you that. Maybe that was why I was so protective. After his death, we needed each other. You had no where to go, and I was so alone. We supported each other. I was too young, you were too old. But you were my Padawan, and I soon came to see you as my brother and my son. I loved you, Ani…

_But you still have all of me…_

Can you hear me, Ani? If you can, know that it was my responsibility to raise the Chosen One, the boy who would bring balance to the Force. I failed that duty. I couldn't even kill you when I was sent to. No. You were my greatest success and my greatest failure, Anakin. I must live with that.

I could not destroy you.

But I could not save you.

Ani, my son…I feared to lose you…and now I have…


End file.
